Sometimes crying doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I need to sing my pain out, or listen while someone else sings what I'm feeling and pulls my pain out of me.
I was always close to my grandma. Going to visit her and my grandpa was always my favorite vacation. And it still is. I've never known a life without her, and I don't want her to leave. But I know it's her time to go home. After many years of suffering with illness and the side affects of her medications her body is now beyond repair, and needs to rest, along with her spirit.
I'm trying to be ok, but it's hard. I find so much comfort in knowing that she'll be well and happier where shes going, and in the knowledge that I'll see her again someday. But still, saying such a long goodbye for now is so hard.
I came across a song yesterday that I knew about but hadn't heard in so long. It was in Korean so I couldn't make all of it out, but I knew what "geuriwo" meant: to really miss something or someone. The moment in the song where that word hit felt like my heartache. I listened to the song over and over again. The whole thing felt like it was coming out of my heart even though I wasn't the one singing it. It was like someone took all of my pain and made a song out of it.
The more I listened to it, I felt as if I was singing it myself, like it was helping me to express all the sorrow I've been trying to hold in all week. And I felt grateful for that.
Parts of the video also seemed to express well how I'll feel without my grandma. Younha has a box of bandages and every time she sees something left behind by the guy she loved, she looks at it sadly and puts a bandage on it.
There are also scenes where she's doing alone the things that she used to do with her boyfriend. Trying to get along, but not over the pain yet.
I think these kinda of aspects are always there when learning to move on after losing someone you love. Every thing you see that reminds you of them brings you pain for a while, and you wish you could just bandage it and make it feel better. You also have to keep going with certain activities, but doing them wihout the one you miss leaves you empty until you get used to life without them. ㅠㅠ
Sometimes sad songs are like friends that take our hands and say "I understand you." They walk with you, and see you through the hard times. Often times it even feels like they're sent right when we need them. Like God knew they would be of help to us in a way that no one else could.
The song that I've been listening to is called Dark Cloud by Go Younha. The actual meaning of the lyrics isn't really applicable to my situation or my relationship with my grandmother except for where it says "I miss that time," "I really miss you," "I have to pretend to be ok, and cry a lot." Interestingly these are the parts of the song that stuck out the most to me even before I looked up the translation. I could just feel something relatable in those parts. I guess for good reason.
Younha's voice is so pure and beautiful and she sings the entire song masterfully and with such emotion. I wish I could tell her how her song and voice have so deeply touched and helped me theough this difficult time. I believe this is part of what singers are meant to do-they are more than entertainers-they also sing to help, heal, support and inspire those who listen to them.
I'm so grateful for Younha and her sad song right now. The relief they are giving my heart is so appreciated and one of the friends I really needed during this sad and lonely time.
If you need a sad song like me right now, I highly suggest listening to (click title below)
Thank you Younha, 정말 고마워요 ♡
Love, Hana ♡
#HearHim
(All pics & screencaps in this post copyright of C9ENT)
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