Grateful For Grandma & Grateful To Know

 Shortly after I finished my last post, my grandma passed away. 

I think I could feel her going, because around the same time I got notified she was gone ((3:33am) though I didnt see the text until morning) I felt such a pronounced feeling of separation from her, and loss. I couldn't not cry fully anymore and it all just poured out of me ㅠㅠ.... 

If you've ever lost someone you love, you know how hard it can be. And if you've ever waited to hear whether they were gone yet for long hours or days, you know all the anxiety and sadness that comes with it. Even if you didn't lose them, coming close to it still creates that daunting vision of life without them in your mind and that emptiness in your heart that seems ready to burst open any moment if they actually go. Death is never an easy thing for most of us.

Even with the hopes of God and knowing we can be together again, long separations are difficult. 

I know though that because of my faith in God I can make it through these experiences. I could never handle death if I really knew it was the end. I could never press forward positively if I knew I would never see my loved ones again. Because when they are everything to me, if they suddenly become nothing, then life is nothing too. What is it all for then? But it isn't like that. Our loved ones do go on to a better place, where they can live peacefully with God, where we can know they are well and safe, and where we will see them again when we go there as well. 

I'm so grateful for my testimony of God and His promises. That death is not the end, that it was overcome by Jesus Christ and His love, and that if I am faithful I can be with my grandma and other loved ones again, and live eternally with them in heaven, in glory, in peace and in happiness. 

I'm so grateful for my grandma and all the love and kindness that she showed me when she was here. From my earliest memories I remember her. I remember visiting her and my grandpa a lot, spending days at their house, going to stores with them, eating dinner, going to walk the beach, and hugging them. I remember there was always no other place I wanted to be when it was vacation time. I always wanted to spend it with them. And did as often as I could. 

I miss my grandma and my grandpa so deeply. I miss my other grandma, my uncle who has passed, my cousin, and my pets. Each separation brought a sadness with it. And some have been very deep and profound. But in the middle of it all I hear God's voice piercing through and reminding me that because of Him I don't need to mourn forever. I find comfort, and a greater resolve to do right, so that when my life is over I can feel like I did well, and inherit the promises I look forward too with my loved ones.

I'm so grateful for my grandma. I'm so grateful for God. I'm so grateful to know what I know and have the hope that I do.

If you are suffering with something similar, please know that God lives, loves you, and His promises are real. Your loved ones are not lost. They are with him, and will help him to watch over you until you go to meet them someday. I hope you will also find peace and comfort in these things. God is only a prayer away, always~♡

Love, Ah Nah ♡

#HearHim

Grateful For Sad Songs

 Sometimes crying doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I need to sing my pain out, or listen while someone else sings what I'm feeling and pulls my pain out of me. 

This past week has been really hard. My grandmother has reached the end of her life and is now fading slowly away... She became unresponsive on Sunday, and has just been lying still since then, waiting to return home. It's now Sunday again, and she's still with us, but just barely. Having to wait everyday to hear if she's passed yet has been so difficult. I haven't been able to see her in years, and can't even be with her now in her last moments or tell her a proper goodbye. And I just feel so sad...ㅠㅠ

I was always close to my grandma. Going to visit her and my grandpa was always my favorite vacation. And it still is. I've never known a life without her, and I don't want her to leave. But I know it's her time to go home. After many years of suffering with illness and the side affects of her medications her body is now beyond repair, and needs to rest, along with her spirit. 

I'm trying to be ok, but it's hard. I find so much comfort in knowing that she'll be well and happier where shes going, and in the knowledge that I'll see her again someday. But still, saying such a long goodbye for now is so hard. 

I came across a song yesterday that I knew about but hadn't heard in so long. It was in Korean so I couldn't make all of it out, but I knew what "geuriwo" meant: to really miss something or someone. The moment in the song where that word hit felt like my heartache. I listened to the song over and over again. The whole thing felt like it was coming out of my heart even though I wasn't the one singing it. It was like someone took all of my pain and made a song out of it. 

The more I listened to it, I felt as if I was singing it myself, like it was helping me to express all the sorrow I've been trying to hold in all week. And I felt grateful for that.

Parts of the video also seemed to express well how I'll feel without my grandma. Younha has a box of bandages and every time she sees something left behind by the guy she loved, she looks at it sadly and puts a bandage on it. 

There are also scenes where she's doing alone the things that she used to do with her boyfriend. Trying to get along, but not over the pain yet. 

I think these kinda of aspects are always there when learning to move on after losing someone you love. Every thing you see that reminds you of them brings you pain for a while, and you wish you could just bandage it and make it feel better. You also have to keep going with certain activities, but doing them wihout the one you miss leaves you empty until you get used to life without them. ㅠㅠ

Sometimes sad songs are like friends that take our hands and say "I understand you." They walk with you, and see you through the hard times. Often times it even feels like they're sent right when we need them. Like God knew they would be of help to us in a way that no one else could. 

The song that I've been listening to is called Dark Cloud by Go Younha. The actual meaning of the lyrics isn't really applicable to my situation or my relationship with my grandmother except for where it says "I miss that time," "I really miss you," "I have to pretend to be ok, and cry a lot." Interestingly these are the parts of the song that stuck out the most to me even before I looked up the translation. I could just feel something relatable in those parts. I guess for good reason.

Younha's voice is so pure and beautiful and she sings the entire song masterfully and with such emotion. I wish I could tell her how her song and voice have so deeply touched and helped me theough this difficult time. I believe this is part of what singers are meant to do-they are more than entertainers-they also sing to help, heal, support and inspire those who listen to them.

I'm so grateful for Younha and her sad song right now. The relief they are giving my heart is so appreciated and one of the friends I really needed during this sad and lonely time. 

If you need a sad song like me right now, I highly suggest listening to (click title below)

 Younha's Dark Cloud

Thank you Younha, 정말 고마워요 ♡

Love, Hana ♡

#HearHim 

(All pics & screencaps in this post copyright of C9ENT)